Friday, November 10, 2006
another tiring day..assignments, project, study...so many things to do... i did some of my assignments and left with 1 or 2 more, and i have to finish up my project soon and got to study to prepare for my exams next wk.. this is gonna be so tiring..
Went for discipleship earlier on, and we were talking about breaking our fallow grounds, having the right attitude towards God. I realise it is very true, many of us fail to break our fallow grounds. Our hearts have to be broken before Him, but many of us fail to do so. There are times when we know that we have to do something, but end up we did not do it, mainly because of the attitude in us which stop us from doing it. I think its partially fear of failure that sets into our hearts which stop us from doing the things of the Lord. We have to break our own will and do according to His will. Say is easy, doing it is not. Nevertheless, i will give it a try...
Recently, i have been thinking about my life, planning ahead of what am i going to do for the next few years. When come to thinking about my life now, i realise that i have tall and huge emotional walls around me. On the outside, i appear to be fine and such, but deep down inside, i feel that there are actually alot of problems. I find it hard to relate to people when talking about serious stuff concerning my life, not that i doesn't want to share, but i don't know how to. i jus simply find it so hard. I would jus suppress it down and let it go. I know its not the right way to do so, but at least that's the easier way out for me. Even if i share problems with people, i make sure whatever i share is being filtered first, mainly due to past bad experiences. Feeling for being framed/"sabo-ed"/misunderstood is never good. I have to be on guard on the words i say to people. I think i have emotional walls built around me, partially got to do with my upbringing.
Since young, my performance in sch is constantly compared with other ppl. Come to think of it, i really had no life during those days, its always study, tuition, tv, study, tuition, tv. No life indeed. Although things started to change after i went into sec sch, pressure on studies drop tremendously until such a point where my results were not good. Even though those comparing days are over, it somehow left a scar in heart, which made me feel inferior to those who does things better than me. Low self esteem sets in immediately. Constantly, questions pop out in my mind. "Am i not good enough?", "Why it is always me?", "It always my fault". These questions were tormenting, making me a person of low self confidence. But there's nothing much i could do, just to put a smile on the face and smile it off. I jus simply doesnt know how to be a person of self considence. I have confidence in others but hardly in myself. I don't know why. All these just leads to me building emotional walls around me. I want to break these walls and am trying to break it, but at a very slow pace. It is not easy for me...
4:55:00 am; noMUSIC ; noLIFEU
